Tuesday, September 15, 2009

FLABBALANCHE!!! The Grandview Grub Ride.

I didn't get this way by accident. No, two hundred and ten pounds of greasy bacon-fat does NOT look amazing in lycra..but I do it as often as I can. How do I get like this despite the riding? Well...it's like this. I ride to eat, not the other way around. My 'hood is replete with amazing places to get my grub on, and so I will now share with you my Saturday morning ritual. Don't be jealous, just promise me you'll meet me one day for this one. Bring your credit card and some serious Super-Band-Waistband action in the ol' pantalones.....

It starts out early at the Luck Brothers Coffee place on 1st and Northwest Avenue, between Marshall's and Old Bag Of Nails.

I get my Americano and a Der Dutchman apple fritter, and hit the road. Climbing the tiny bump up first avenue, you begin to feel the fritter's grease punish your arteries, but the jolt of two stiff espresso shots break through due to the 175bps the ticker is working with. Rolling past Grandview Ave., you continue up 1st until you reach Cambridge. Go right.

You are now rolling north through the Grandview/Upper Arlington area. This is a very chilled out ride this time in the morning. Well manicured gardens and fall colors make this one a gem. Once across 5th Ave, veer right onto Coventry Rd. Stay on it until it dead ends into Northam, then go left. A quick right onto TREMONT will take you out to Kenny Rd, where you will go left for a short couple of miles. Once across Henderson, you will look for the right-fork onto Kenny again. Make a right on Bethel Rd, a quick u-turn under the train bridge, and a right onto Postlewaite continuing north.

Head north up to Linworth Rd, then go left. Stay on this until you reach HARD RD, then go right and down the hill to 315. Go up a block north along 315, then turn into the parking lot and get on the northern terminus of the Olentangy Trail!

Once onto the "Old & Dingy" you stay southbound for some time. You will pass Antrim Lake, the cemetary, Lane Avenue, etc..until you reach Third Ave. Once here, veer right and head to Olentangy River Rd. Cross it, staying on 3rd up three blocks and make the left (just past the old Big Bear Warehouse) on to Edgehill Rd. Keep going until dead ends into Burrell, then go left again. The next and only right is Higgs Avenue. Take that until it dead ends into Burr..as in Aaron Burr..you know, the guy who pistol-dueled a President? Cross Northwest Avenue to Gladden, and go left again. This is where it gets fun. On the corner of Gladden and Goodale, lies the super-secret and awesome Krema Nut Company. Here, your childhood gastronomic desires all come true. Homemade peanut butter sandwiches topped with marshmallow fluff? OH YEAH! Homemade peanut butter with bananas? Yup. Apricot/Orange Marmalade and Peanut Butter sandwiches? Hmmmm...that too. Chase it with a cup of ice cream, topped with their hot raspberry preserves and get your food on!

Not ready for lunch..have a hankering for breakfast? Instead of making the left at Gladden, stay straight on Burr. Ride down to Oxley and go right. Take this to first Avenue back up the hill, past Grandview Avenue. Our destination? DK Diner, another hot local spot. Stay on first until you reach Elmwood, then go right. Stay on it until 3rd Avenue. You are here!

The coup-de-grace comes here at DK. Order the "Dk All The way" (pictured below) and have your way with your poor stomach. It's everything good all at once. Gravy, biscuits, fried eggs, and salty fried potatoes, re-covered in gravy again. Bury it in Tapatio or Tabasco hot sauce and generous amounts of cracked pepper and it's on like Donkey Kong!

Now, if you wanna ride like the big boys, ya' gotta bring your best arteries, because this is no ride for the meek. My under-jersey girdle gets a workout on this one, so if you think you have what it takes to hang with me on this ride, just let me know and I'll be happy to guide you along the way...


At 8:26 AM, Anonymous Eric said...

What was it that you always told me back when we were riding out at Chino Hills? Something about you being so hungry that you could eat the somehting out of a rag doll?

At 9:16 PM, Blogger Sharpie said...

That would be "...the crotch.." I believe. Ahhh..the good ol' days....


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