White Castle: The Midwest's Dirty Joke

So I have lived in central Ohio for three months now, and just today managed to do something I have been told I MUST DO each and every day. Go to White Castle, and eat a burger. I liken this pressure to that which single guys get from their married friends. "Come on, tie the knot, settle down...it's not what you think..you'll love it!" Sooo..being completey stupid, you bite. Then, you realize that your buddies are miserable, and just wanted you to be miserable too. Then they start in with the baby-talk. "Come on, man, don't get a PET..have a KID! It's not what you think..you'l love it!" Soooo....forgetting how much you like drinking, tittie bars, money and sleep, you bite. Then you realize your buddies wanted to do it to ya all over again. Secretly, they mock you. Laughing maniacally each time you bite, they remember the time THEIR buddies got them on the same joke. Ha. Funny. Yukkity-F*****G-Yuk.

So it is with White Castle. Lydia has begged me for weeks to go and "experience" all that is White Castle. Today, after the morning meeting...it was on. I rolled to Kenny and Hayden streets, where the local purveyor of such delicacies could be found, and strolled in. My heart was all atwitter with thoughts of such treats as the Double Double from In-N-Out, or a Guacamole-Bacon-Six Dollar Burger at Carl's Jr. Yukkity-Mother-F*****G-Yuk. As my tray appeared at the counter, I saw what may qualify as an edible food product..but for what animal? From which planet? It clearly mustn't have eyes, or taste buds. I heard someone call them "Sliders." I am only assuming that they were referring to the effect they would have on your bowels as they passed through the lower g.i. tract.

I consumed four "sliders" and a "chicken ring burger thing" and was deeply saddened. Not for the five dollars and change I just spent..OH no..I was pissed that I was HAD. I was had, and I knew it. As I ate that first bite, I knew Lydia was laughing her ass off. Somehow, some way, she knew...and was tasting the salt of her tears as she riotously chuckled and told her friends. I will get even. This I swear. So I held up the remaining "burger" for inspection. As I lofted the patty from it's doughy perch, daylight shone through it's onion-skin-thin meatyness. The "burger" was encrusted with an onion-like product, probably akin to "Mockolate."
That was it, that's the whole thing.

I began to weep. That led to anger. That led to a trip to the restroom. The "Slider Effect" was in full overdrive, and I was about to pay the piper. For any one of you who have moved here from the West Coast..Don't Fall For It! Just tell your frinds that home prices are really affordable in California near a place called "San Andreas Fault."

C