Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Chin Strappin'

Strange things happen here. Wierd things. Things that would make just about every other demographic in North America flee in abject terror. I have seen many of these things here in Columbus, and I have no good explanation for it. Boy Bands are not SUPPOSED to be popular to grown men...but apparently the likes of Menudo and The Back Street Boys have had a more gripping hold on the male populus than originally anticipated. I am writing this in response to a string of local ocular offenses I have seen already this week....and it has to stop today.

Chin Straps. CHIN STRAPS? REALLY? Are there THAT many guys out there suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome...in their thirties? I am truly more offended by this than when I first saw Harrison Ford show up at a movie premiere with an ear ring in his ear. Seriously..Han Solo? Indiana Jones? With an ear ring? And yet I still find the pencil-thin badge of ignorance called a "Chin Strap" more offensive.
What worries me more is that I have seen all of them (except one, Kyle Brown,pictured here w/Chin Strap)

with wives and children. Women actually have the ability to drink SO much, they will be able to mate with these people BEFORE slipping into an alohol-induced coma. They all have had she-mullets, too..which is just frikkin' awesome. I have yet to see a Strap on someone on a mountain bike...and since there are no French boy-bands with Chin Straps, roadies are out.

The work involved in mullet and Chin Strap maintenance is mind-boggling. To have the time and will to sit in front of a mirror (w/out projectile vomiting) and painstakingly pick, groom and preen a wafer thin lane of epidermis is worthy of a death sentence. And for what? Is there a reason? Is it like a peacock in mating season, displaying it's tail feather assortment for the chance to do the "Funky Chicken?" Does it reduce the wearers' drag coefficient? Has ANYONE with a Chin Strap EVER heard the words "hey Bro, way to strap!" or "damn..that's a beautiful strap ya' got there!" No....the answer yesterday, today, and every day from here on out is no.


We'll talk about "rat tails" another day..it's just too much.


At 1:31 PM, Blogger timari said...

dude, cap'n, i think you NEED to get the hell outta ohio, QUICK! no wonder Lyd is all over ya'---look at the douche bags that ohio has to offer! :) love ya!

At 7:18 PM, Blogger Vegas said...

I always buckle my chin strap, safety first!

At 7:48 PM, Blogger Lylo said...

hey, so don't tell Chris but i'm gonna shave a mullet into Chris' head tonight when he's sleeping. What do you think? he won't be mad will he? I kinda have a special place in my heart for a mullet - my first boyfriend in Junior high had one. we called it squirrel. awwww, the good ol' days!

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Vegas said...

I thought all the men in Ohio looked like Drew Carrey? And of course all the women dress up like Mimi!

At 11:45 AM, Blogger taylor said...


p.s. The "rat tail" = Straight outta' Adelanto!


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