The "Fixie" Problem

If that doesn't make you wanna' quit eating fried food, nothing will.









O.K., so here goes. You don't live near a velodrome. You have a fixed gear bicycle. You are a rich white kid who sleeps until noon from a college frat party alcohol binge involving Corona Light beer. You my friend, are a dumb ass.





This is a picture from a clothing company's website, targeting the "I wanna' look homeless, and pay handsomely do do so" crowd of fixed gear riders, most of which live at least four hours from the nearest velodrome. Note the complete lack of musculature or desire from this pasty piece of milktoast. His new Nissan Armada SUV the parents bought him stays hidden from view for all but those two mile jaunts to the Paradise Garage bikeshop to buy "riding clothes" nobody would actually ride a bike in.










Also from a bike shop's clothing line is this little number. Anyone rolling out on their metric century in this? I didn't think so. This outfit costs more than my bike, and is about as usefull as the Pope's pecker.














This fellow has shorts on..expensive shorts. It's probably hot if he's wearing shorts, right? BUT WAIT..he has a $400 dollar "hoodie' on..so it's only cold above 26" off the ground. These are also clothes marketed to the fixie crowd. If you can afford these clothes, you can afford a bike with brakes and a freewheel. You aren't that cool, so please don't try to stand out so much, o.k.? Wanna be cool? Take your fixie (right before you sell it) and drive to a track, and enter a race.






This is Mr. Marty Nothstein. He is track racer. An OLYMPIC track racer. See his legs? He can keep his fixed gear bike. You don't have legs like that, nor have you ever been on a track. Track racers have discipline, drive, and desire. You have a trust fund and bike you can't stop.
















Here is a list of the velodromes in the United States. If you don't live within an hour of one of these, and/or don't race it please sell your fixed gear bike now.

Alkek Velodrome in Houston, Texas
Alpenrose Velodrome in Portland, Oregon
Baton Rouge Velodrome in Baton Rouge, Louisiana
Brian Piccolo Park Velodrome in Cooper City, Florida
Dick Lane Velodrome in East Point, Georgia
Ed Rudolph Velodrome in Northbrook, Illinois
Encino Velodrome in Encino, California
Group Health Velodrome in Marymoor Park, Redmond, Washington
Hellyer Park Velodrome in San Jose, California
Kissena Park Velodrome in Queens, New York (outdoor) 400 m track
Valley Preferred Cycling Center in Trexlertown, Pennsylvania (outdoor)
Major Taylor Velodrome in Indianapolis, Indiana
Mellowdrome in Asheville, North Carolina
Mike Walden Velodrome in Rochester Hills, Michigan
National Sports Center Velodrome in Blaine, Minnesota
San Diego Velodrome in San Diego, California
7-Eleven United States Olympic Training Center Velodrome in Colorado Springs, Colorado
Superdrome in Frisco, Texas
Washington Park Velodrome in Kenosha, Wisconsin
Penrose Park Velodrome in St. Louis, Missouri
Idaho Velodrome and Cycling Park in Eagle, Idaho




Do me a favor, and instead of buying $240 designer "distressed" jeans, go to the local OSH store and get a pair of $18 dollar Dickies and a shovel. Go out and dig some ditches for two days until the pants actually have EARNED their "distressed" look. Then take a shower, get a haircut, and take the money you saved and buy a bike with brakes.