Bert "The Hurt" Moves Up!

I just saw the U.S.C.F. letter of acceptance, and it's official! Bert "The Hurt" Blanchette is a registered and legal kicker of other people's asses. With a newly honored SEMI-PRO ranking, Bert can now make all the twenty something racers who think they have a future, go back to college and get a real job. Thanks, Bert, for squashing the dreams of all those who thought they could hold your wheel, or take your podium spot.
Bert is so damn fast, he doesn't shave his legs. The hair actually BURNS UP ON RE-ENTRY. E.P.O. uses BERT as a performance enhancer, he's so friggin quick. KENDA tire actually had to create a tire just for him. It has a NASA approved, heat-resistant ceramic tile casing to withstand the immense heat generated from reaching subsonic speeds at ground level. You know he's in front of you, because the sand has gotten so hot, it has turned into a narrow band of GLASS on the trail in front of you!
Congratulate Bert. If you get to see him before he passes you. Too late, you already missed him.

Cap'n Chris