Sunday, May 04, 2008

How To Fondle Your Stimulus Package

In the past week, the first 800,000 payments from the Fed hit the mail. Slated as an "economic stimulus package," we are supposed to take the money (600 + dollars) and spend it. This short-lived shot in the arm is but a band-aid on a decapitation, but what the hell. As much as I like the thought of that much money coming back to me, I can't help but to think how much better spent that money would be on the ever-ballooning national debt. If we we didn't owe everyone so damn much money, we wouldn't have such horrendous inflation..blahblah blah. OR maybe all the BILLIONS of dollars that Halliburton has milked from the taxpayers for projects never started in Iraq could be returned to our coffers to help pay our loans...yeah, that would be nice.
Since we ARE getting the money, I do have some great ideas on how to spend it. Let me help you blow that wad on some sweet and tasty bike bits! Things that would be worthy of tickling your stimulus package would be;

1. A big down payment on a new TOMAC CARBIDE frame! Dump your current shit-box and get something worth taking to the sack every night with a tazer and some vaseline!

2. A year's supply of AMINO VITAL product, which would allow you to continue riding your current shit-box, assuming you don't pony up and get a real bike.

3. A set of KENDA tires for every bike you own, plus tubes, some arm warmers and a pair of KENDA bib's from Voler Team Apparel. You have some left over? Quit being a tight-ass and get one of their 10'x15' instant canopies!

4. Drop that cash on a some XPEDO MF-1A Ti pedals for the road, mountain, 'cross and single speed bikes! They are light as hell, sexy Ti, and work harder than your wife does since you got married!

5. SIGMA has a light set that would do a good job of denting your package. The Evo/Evo-X Endurance Boxed Set would illuminate the night as though you were Icarus nearing the sun. Grab a DTS Computer/HRM while your there, and send an extra ten bucks on top for Jenni and James to buy beer!

6. You could keep things clean (and DIRTY, you little freaks!) with a three new NOMAD portable water tanks. They hold water, beer, and other liquids that look great while hosing down your favorite Hooter's servers. Oh, and they work great while cleaning the bike between 24 Hr race laps! Holla' Rebekah!

7. Matt at HYDRAPAK has been working on some unbelievably sweet commuter products. Tired of 5 dollar a gallon gas (and 6 dollar a cup coffee?) that keeps going up? RIDE to work ya lazy bitches! Grab a Gel-Bot, and a new commuter HYDRAPAK and fill it full of Sierra Nevada and roll yo' ass to work! Tell all your friends you are a REAL cyclist, and ride that 8,000 dollar bike instead of wiping it with a baby diaper.

8. Michael Darter is the best photographer ever. You may wanna spend that money having Mike come by your house, show you how lame you are at mountain biking, then line up you and your ugly children for a family photo! Don't be mad, they really are ugly....we just didn't wanna be the ones to tell you.

9. Call Jay, order one of the amazing new 661 PRESSURE SUITS, chase it with some new RAJI XC GLOVES (in white, everyone's doing it), the buy the new SUNLINE carbon riser bars for your new Primer frame.

10. Call Jerri at Boulder Creek Resorts in Big Bear and book a fantastic three night stay at the Switzerland Chalet condo, upper floor, the one with the big fireplace and kitchen.
Take your bike and ride that mountain like it was 1995 all over again! Go hit 1EO1, Pirates Of The Carribean, Both Fall Lines, Santa Ana River Trail, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride..and maybe make the quick run down behind Lake Arrowhead and ride the singletack from Manitoba Street all the way down past Squint's Ranch, into Deep Creek, then out to the Happy-Face Malt Shop in Cedar Glen!
The burgers are tasty, and after 40 miles of dusty, creek strewn'll want the protein.

11. Give the money to me. I'm fat, but your ugly..and I can diet. Clothes look better on a skinny average guy than a fat guy with girly features.....unless it's a choir boy outfit, then some folks may debate that.


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