Ahhhh...Lard.

Yes, today's page is about lard. It came to me after setting up camp at a KOA campground over the weekend. We strolled through the campground Saturday afternoon, and I was amazed at the percentage of morbidly obese people walking (read; grazing) around the campground. In Colorado, Utah, California, etc. you just don't see such ENORMOUS human animals trundling through the open areas in a campground. They are fit, healthy, lean people looking to enjoy physical activity in the great outdoors. Not so at this midwestern KOA.
It was pointed out to me this morning that KOA campgrounds are a phenomenon unto themselves. It's not for people who want to LIVE in a trailer park..it's for those who want to VACATION in one. It wasn't without it's merits, though. It had a great collection of late '60's playground equipment that would make a safety inspector collapse under the weight of paperwork and fines to be written. Anyway..let's get back to the fatties, because they were nowhere near the playground equipment.
The kiddie pool was funny. It reminded me of an African water-buffalo wallow. Huge piles of flacid human flesh, rolling and pitching nervously. For a second I thought I saw an alligator..but they were just nervous because the ice cream kiosk was opening soon, and they were beginning to jockey for position. I'm sure it is just "genetics" though. When the kiosk bell rang and alerted it's ability to exchange cold lard for cash, the cloven and clicking hooves trampled the smaller animals (oops..sorry, people)) to near-death in order to get the first scoop.
As we strolled through the campground in the evening, heading back to make a sensible meal, I observed four of the largest women I have ever witnessed. They were arguing over whether the cauldron of pasta/hamburger/cream-sauce was good enough. Holding it over their heads and gobbling it in great gaping maws-full, it looked like a scene from "Mutual Of Omaha's Wild Kingdom." That's right, I'm that old. I remember "Wild Kingdom." It was in these moments that I remembered how much I love my Titus FCR. I remembered how much I enjoyed the Utah backcountry, the Santa Monica Mountains, the Big Laguna Mountains, Santa Ana River Trail, Tunnel Trail, Murray Peak, and everywhere in between. These people were out of breath just breathing, thanks to a diet rich in lard, and lard-like substances.
I don't ever want to see that kind of enormity again, and not in black or green stirruppy, stretchy pants. If your ass has it's own gravity and moons, please don't go outside, I would like to keep my lunch INSIDE my body. That's all...for now..

This blog brought to you by Dress Barn, and the Lard Council.