California D.O.T. To Create New Lanes For Mountain Bikers!

The California Department Of Transportation announced plans this week to unveil a new project to aid in the battle against traffic. Taking an existing lane on the 405 freeway from Valencia to Culver City, the state planners will be earmarking money for a very ambitious bike lane for mountain bikers only! In a nice twist for taxpayers, only 75 dollars will be used from the state coffers. "How can this be?" you ask?



Employing Roger Hernandez, Jim Roff and Chris Sharp's mad skills at sponsorship aquisition, they managed to secure all the funding privately! Apparently, mountain bikers drink large quantities of beer. They also like Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, and anything found slowly scorched into powder at the 7-11 hot foods counter...as long as it's under a dollar. They also don't shave their legs, and have a penchant for Harley Davidson motorcycles.






Armed with this knowleadge, they managed to secure the funding by allowing project sponsors to put up storefronts along the new lane. The tax revenue made from these cyclists will fill the state treasury, and increase corporate sponsor profits as well...a win-win for everyone involved.





Every mile along the route will be a small "food court" area, where project donors can sell their products. Amongst the list of donors you'll find Sierra Nevada Brewery, Columbus Brewing Company, Riverside Brewing Company, Strauss Brewing Company, Warsteiner, Guinness, Schlitz Malt Liquor, Colt 45, PBR, Red Stripe, Samuel Adams, and Negro Modelo.







Kentucky Fried Chicken, Roscoe's Chicken and Waffle's, Mel's Diner (Ventura Blvd. location), Popeye's Chicken, der Wienerschnitzel, Taco Bell, Porky's BBQ, The Bear Pit BBQ, In-N-Out Burger, Tommy's Chili Burgers, The Hat pastrami shop, and Dunkin's Donuts all will have kiosks as well.






The target demographic also managed to attract the mail-order follicle assistance company, "Leg Hair Club For Men." They realized that many women athletes also may be riding, and managed to get their sister company, "Upper-Lip Hair Club For Women" involved. All in all, over sixty seven trillion dollars were raised, mostly by beer investors, for the project.











Once the lane is open (slated for June of 2010), the investors are expected to triple their initial cost of investment by July of the same year.













When asked why der Wienerschnitzel was involved in the project, it was explained that the Governer, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, made it a stipulation so he too could commute by mountain bike through Los Angeles.














Colorado and Utah are expected to have a 72% decrease in population as a result of this new project. It is estimated that by 2011, shanty towns akin to those along the border with Mexico are expected to spring up along the route. Provisions are being made to recycle all the detacheable visors expected to pile up in the Encino area as a result of this influx of people.









Traffic to the West side is expected to drop so much on the freeway, many people may actually be able to walk to their jobs in far less time than they used to be able to drive. Not surprising, since most Angelino's can walk to work faster NOW than they can drive on area freeways and surface streets.










If the project is as successful as it seems, the Phoenix Metro Area may soon follow suit. This would allow the growing number of Titus employees the ability to ride to work still hammered, without the risk of killing someone while hopped up on Cave Creek Chili Beer.





Hydrapak will also be creating a new "fungus-among-us" bladder to hold your bacteria laden beer without the worry of mold growing in your pack.